that other guy’s thoughts

In honor of our un-serious unqualified ill-prepared illustrious vice-presidential nominee, I’d like to share a few facts that I bet you didn’t know:

Alaska is next to Russia. Therefore, Sarah Palin is an international policy expert.

I can see the moon from my window. Therefore, I am a rocket scientist.

Hawaii is an island. Therefore, Barack Obama is an expert in Maritime law.

My next-door neighbor is a divorcée. Therefore, I am a marriage counselor.

I was once pulled over for speeding. Therefore, I know how to fry donuts.

Arizona is next to Nevada, which is next to California, which contains the city of San Fransisco. Therefore, John McCain is gay!

Florida is next to Cuba. Therefore, Jeb Bush is a communist!

My house has a basement. Therefore, I’m a coal-miner!

I drank a glass of water. Therefore, I can captain a submarine.

Fire engines have 8 wheels and carry 4 people. 8 + 4 = 12. There are 12 inches in a foot. One foot is a ruler. There was a ruler named Queen Elizabeth. A ship named Queen Elizabeth sails the seas. In the seas are fish. On the fish are fins. The Fins fought the Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are always rush’n around. Therefore, fire engines are red.

I could go all day, really.

Any reader additions? Submit them in the comments. If you make me laugh, I’ll give you a cookie*

*by “give you a cookie” Obviously I mean I’ll put your submission in the main text of this post.

To prevent my angsty Thursday from turning into a depressio Saturday, I hereby declare today to be Bad Joke Friday. Let the pity-laughing ring forth o’er the land!

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
7. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

   “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

   “What, because he’s cross-eyed?”

   “No, because he’s really heavy”.

8. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
9. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
10. So a baby seal walks into a club…
11. So I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great; the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my Mom or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think it’s Colin.
13. Two fat guys are sitting in a bar, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”
14. A man walked into a doctor’s office, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”. The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”.
15. Missouri’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seat plane crashed into a cemetery in Columbia. Search and rescue workers dispatched from the local university have recovered 1833 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

EVER!

Me: Who the hell is knocking on my door at 8:30 pm on a Saturday?

*opens door*

Random Door-to-Door Salesman: Hi, I’m with EZ Choice meats. Do you enjoy good beef and pork steaks?

Me: No

Salesmen: Oh, so you prefer Poultry or fresh Seafood?

Me: The wife and I are actually level 6 Vegans.

Salesmen: So you’re vegetarians?

Me: Meat is Murder.

Salesmen: okay, thank you for your time.

Me *while closing door*: …sweet, delicious, and beautifully tasty murder.

Watching World Baseball Classic games between Japan and Korea and listening to the very American ESPNannoucers attempt to pronounce the players names.

Highest of the High Unintentional Comedy

Textron Aerospace Fasteners makes a product call the Hemlok Structural Fastener. It’s a blind fastener (can be install entirely from one side), so it takes special procedures and equipment to install. Specifically, air powered pull guns. The gun clamps on the stem synchs down, deforms the backside of the head and cuts and spits the remainder of the stem out.

Now that’s all very tiresome way of telling someone to install any fastener, so for short hand, we just prefer to tell them to perform the “Hemlok Maneuver”.

Cue the booing

Dear Ms. Morrison,

I know who you are, and I know where you sleep. I have your phone number. Don’t believe me? It starts with a 294 and ends with a 1021, and I’ll be damned if I don’t know in which area code you reside. You’re not quite as anonymous as you think. Derogatory comments regarding this nation’s pastime notwithstanding, I would suggest thinking twice before posting homophobic epithets about those who enjoy their blogging.

I do find it rather interesting that you refrained from dropping a true f-bomb replacing it with the ever so quaint ‘friggin’, in the comments, but had no problem calling me a fag.

I fear for the future of our legal system.

When is the point quoting Napelon Dynamite in everyday conversation jumped the shark? Alex.

editors note: this is a repeated entry originally posted in 2003

Don’t remember because lots of people died
Don’t remember because their families have it tough.
Don’t remember because any loss that it caused anybody.

Remember because if only for a day you knew the face of evil. You understood what length the enemy was willing to go to in order to see you suffer. Remember that from that day forth ignorance vanished. Everyone in the world knew your foe. Everyone in the world saw that you were in a fight for your very existence. In the shadow of smoke you can easily see your friend from your enemy. Anyone who then opposed your quest for existence didn’t do so out of their superior values for human life. They opposed your quest because they oppose your rights, and they oppose you.

No longer should our right to existence be subject to the whims of our enemies. Civilizations rise and fall, people are mortal, ideas are forever. No matter who you are, regardless of your beliefs, you will be judged. Whether by your deity or the children of history, a consciousness not your own will determine the morality of your actions. The principles that govern your actions will be questioned, do you have them or do your actions decide your principles. Emotions will die; logic lives forever.

All things and people will come to an end. Stand and face your enemy, those without swords can still die on them. What’s yours is yours, including your life. If the end comes, go down fighting for what is rightfully yours. History will remember you as we remember the Alamo. Evil is there, whether you acknowledge it or not. And only in the face of danger will the true colors of character be revealed for all to see.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.