Taking a cue from Bill Simmons, I bring you my own NBA draft diary. If you know nothing about NBA, this may be boring, but for those of you with some semblance of knowledge of professional basketball enjoy.

6:00 straight up: Nice montage of all the soon-to-be bo-zillionaires spliced with the legendary highlights covered with some dramatic music espn style.

6:05 Dick Vitale shows up and goes absolutely lipshitz over Carmelo & T.J, which prompts me to state to no one in particular, “Hey Dickie V, why don’t you go out into a field and sit on it”

6:08 Kirk “2.0 in accounting” Hinrich gives a friendly pre-recorded interview, and he still sounds like he cheated in class to get those marks.

6:11 Dickie V is back and has a tantric experience over LeBron’s essence of being, prompting me to say, “Go sit on a loaded shotgun whilst I pull the trigger 'till it goes ‘click’.” Man that guy is annoying.

6:30 Showtime! Knicks fans shout-down the commish and Cleveland goes on the clock, beginning the most pointless 5 minutes in all of sports. Seriously the Cavs won the 1st pick nearly a month ago, and the overall first pick has been known to everyone in the western hemisphere for the last 364 days, do they really need the extra 5 minutes to ponder this decision?

6:34 LeBron- Period. He’s playing up his whole “Franchise Savior” thing up pretty well in his angel-white suit

6:39 Darko-lanky white dude who definitely, “speaka da crappy English”

6:44 Melo- no surprise here except for his wardrobe, seriously, that suits got like 10 buttons and only the top one is buttoned, Mexican gangta style.

—and now it gets interesting—

6:49 “With the 4th pick of the draft, the Toronto Raptor select…” Chris Bosh!?! Who the crap are you? Oh, a freshman from Georgia Tech, or so Jay Bilas tells me. This guy will definitely challenge for the “biggest disappointment” of the 2003 draft, previous winners include: Kwame Brown, Marcus Camby, and Bryant Reeves.

7:03 Dwayne Wade goes to Miami and New York fans shout-down a jumbotron video of Pat Riley. No-muscles whitey Chris Kayman goes to the clippers, I could probably push this guy off the blocks

7:04 Kirk! Kirk! Kirk! Goes to the Bulls, ahead of T.J. Ford. To quote Stuart Scott, “Boo-yah!”

7:09 The Bucks take T.J. probably a good value at the 8th pick. But being 5’11” (with platform heals) and having no jump shot will not help you with the big boys.

—The Knicks are now on the clock, and their fans already hate their pick—

7:28 the Knicks have taken Mike “big ‘ol fatty” Sweetney. The wizards take Jarvis Hayes (bleh). And Golden State takes Mikael Pietrus (double Spanish bleh).

7:29 Nick Collison goes to Seattle, and two KU players have gone in the lottery for the second time in 5 years. Give it too me Stuart…Boo-yah!

7:48 Memphis takes Marcus Banks, Seattle takes Luke Ridnour, and Orlando takes Reece Gaines, who is an absolute steal this low. Orlando will really be something next year. Ridnour by the way, was dealt the insult of the night courtesy of Jay Bilas, “This guy couldn’t guard the chair I’m sitting in!” Zing!

8:20 the last half hour can be recapped like this: Bell from B.C. and Dahntay from Duke go to Boston. Foreigners go to Phoenix, Utah, Atlanta, and New Jersey. They’re all basically tall soft whities with a 3-point shots. David West goes to New Orleans, and I don’t care about any of it.

8:45 The bottom of the order roles on with each pick more uninteresting than the last. But for the sake of accuracy, here’s the rundown: Outlaw goes to Portland to play with the Jailblazers, Cook lands in la-la Land, foreign cookie cutter Carlos Delfino heads to Mo-Town. The T-wolves pick English schooler Ndubi Ebi, and Kendrick Perkins goes to Memphis. The only drama left is when Maciej Lampe, a.k.a. the last M.F.’er in the M.F.’n green room, will get bailed out of the most embarrassing experience of his young life. On with show!

8:50 San Antonio takes Leondro Barboso another foreigner trying to make it in the land of plenty. (Maciej has turned pale shade of white somewhere between Cher and Japanese Geisha)

8:55 “With the 29th pick (and the last of the first round) of the draft…(Maciej drops a pound of sweat)…the Dallas Maverick select…(there goes another one)…Josh Howard.” Maciej is spread eagle on his table, and the doctors have opened him up in a desparate attempt to rescue his receding ego. This has got to be the first time there has still been someone in the green room left undrafted after the first round. I should research this…if not only for my own amusement, then to hang something on this guy’s head.

8:57 Okay I’m tired of this and am stopping as soon as Maciej goes, just to see the look on his face.

8:59 Macij finally goes to the Knicks with the first pick of the second round. Yeah, playing under the biggest microscope in the world will really revive that newly revived but still fragile ego of his.

9:00 Two hours is enough for me, I’m tired of listening to the same clichés coming from the likes of Andy Katz, Jay Bilas, and the loathed Dick Vitale…shudder. So there you have it, the interesting part of the draft.

So mote it be!